this was going to be my catty girl contest entry

but i decided it was too mean to put in the paper. i submitted this instead and saved the mean one for my personal blog where hopefully its subject will never read and be offended by it.


top 5 things to avoid if you want to date me.

5) confirm a first date with a text message asking if I can drive because you don’t have a car.
4) during first date tell me what an enormous slob you are.
3) also, tell me you don’t have a bank account because you want to stay under the radar and then make a show of sliding a benjamin across the bar.
2) follow up first date by asking me to drive you to the mall.
1) and, when my lack of interest becomes apparent due to all of the above, try to impress me by offering to secure an evening at a local hipster hot spot for just the two of us.